Relationships
Are We Expecting Too Much From Our Partners in Retirement
Many of us have been led to believe that when we marry our partner they are to be everything to us - we may even call them our "soulmate". But what if this belief is wrong and really becomes evident in retirement?
I recently watched a video of a 96-year-old woman sharing the secrets to her 64-year marriage. As I watched, I expected to hear something like, "I found my soulmate" or "he was my best friend in life." Instead, I heard something that shocked me.
"You probably married the wrong person," she said.
That seemed counterintuitive. Surely a 64-year marriage would be proof of marrying the right person.
But she further explained: the man she married at 24 was very different than the man she buried at 88. As was she. Their secret to their long marriage wasn't finding perfection - it was shifting her thinking from "did I marry the right person?" to "am I willing to keep choosing this person?"
Then she said something that made me really think:
I look at young couples now and they expect so much. They expect their partner to be their best friend, their adventure buddy, their co-parent, their financial equal, their intellectual match, their perfect sexual partner, all the time, forever. Nobody can be all those things. Nobody.
The Rising Cost of Unrealistic Expectations
As I listened, I couldn't help but think about the rising rates of divorce among people over 50. Called "gray divorce" or "silver separation", in 1990, 8.7% of all divorces in the United States occurred among adults 50 and older. By 2019, that percentage had grown to 36%. In Canada, the divorce rate for older couples isn't climbing quite as high but it has also increased.
But what if the problem isn't that people are marrying the wrong person? What if it's that we're expecting the right person to be everything?
The Retirement Expectation Mismatch
I've heard many stories from people entering retirement who surprisingly discover that their partner doesn't share their interests or vision for this life stage. One wants to travel the world while the other wants to stay home close to grandchildren. One wants to play pickleball while the other dreams of taking dance classes together. One craves adventure while the other seeks peace and routine.
On the surface, these seem like incompatibilities. But what if they're not? What if they're simply evidence that we've changed - or maybe even not changed but just not talked about it. And in fact, this is not only normal, and might actually be healthy?
There's nothing written that says we have to do everything together in order to have a happy marriage. In fact, I'd argue the opposite: spending time apart doing different things can actually strengthen a relationship. You come home with new experiences, different perspectives, people to talk about, things that energize you. You have something interesting to share with each other.
Values Versus Interests: The Real Distinction
Here's what I think matters: it's not about doing everything together or having the same interests. It's about understanding the difference between values and interests.
Values are our core beliefs and principles. They guide how we live, the decisions we make, and the life we want to build. If our values aren't aligned with our partner's, that's a significant stumbling block. If one person values honesty and the other doesn't, if one values family connection and the other prioritizes independence, if one values financial security and the other values adventure regardless of cost - these misalignments can create real friction.
Interests, on the other hand, are our personal choices. Our partner doesn't have to want to travel if we do. They don't have to love pickleball or dance classes or book clubs. I believe as long as each of our interests don't negatively alter our shared core values (for example, joining a group that contradicts the one of the partner's shared principles), having other people who enjoy these activities with us shouldn't be an issue. Especially if trust is a core shared value.
The woman in the video understood this. Her marriage lasted 64 years not because they did everything together, but because they stayed aligned on what mattered most - their values - while allowing each other freedom to explore individual interests.
Reframing Marriage in the Second Half
Maybe the couples who stay married aren't the ones who found their everything in one person. Maybe they're the ones who had the courage to find themselves outside the marriage.
That means:
Having friends our partner doesn't share
Pursuing hobbies and interests they don't enjoy
Taking solo trips or adventures with groups who have the same interests
Building a life that's rich with multiple connections and sources of meaning
Trusting that doing different things doesn't threaten the relationship - and might even actually strengthen it
It means understanding that our partner's job isn't to complete us (thanks for that Jerry Maguire). It's to align with us on values, respect us as we grow and change, and trust us enough to let us be fully ourselves.
Now I realize that marriage is complicated and divorce has many contributors. Financial stress, health challenges, infidelity, incompatibility - just to name a few. So I'm not suggesting that this is the only reason couples may split. But it may be something worth considering as we think about how we approach partnership in later life.
Maybe we're expecting one person to be everything for us when what we actually need is to be more intentional about building full, meaningful lives - and then finding out how our partner fits into this and recognizing that in some cases they may not. And we're both okay with that.
That's not settling. That may in fact set the path to a long and happy marriage - even in retirement.
Here's the video that I am referencing. What do you think?
