Ask a Retirement Coach: Was Taking a Pause a Good Idea?

Dear Retirement Coach,

When I retired in June, I did something completely out of character. I didn’t make a plan. I told everyone I was taking a year to pause and figure out what I actually want.

Four months in, it doesn’t feel wise. It feels unsettling. Without the noise of work, things I didn’t expect are surfacing: old regrets, questions about my marriage, a strange sadness on Sunday evenings.

Then last week, I was invited to join a board I really respect. My first reaction was relief. Finally, something to do. That reaction worries me. Would saying yes be the next right step, or just a very respectable way to escape?

How do I know if this pause is working?

Paused, and Second-Guessing It

Dear Paused, and Second-Guessing It,

Can I tell you what I noticed first when I read your letter? It wasn’t the sadness or the worry. It was that one little phrase: completely out of character.

Because I know that kind of person. I’ve spent most of my working life around people like you. The planners, the doers, the ones everyone counts on to have the answer. For someone like that, deciding not to have a plan is a big deal. So before anything else, give yourself some credit. That took courage.

Now, let’s talk about why it doesn’t feel so good right now.

Why the pause doesn’t feel peaceful

Here’s the thing nobody really tells you about pausing. We imagine it’s going to feel like one long exhale. Slow mornings, a good book, a walk with nowhere to be. And some days it is exactly like that. But when you stop after years and years of full calendars, the quiet doesn’t stay quiet for very long. All the things that were sitting underneath the busyness start coming up for air.

The regrets. The questions about your marriage. That heavy feeling on Sunday nights. I’d gently guess none of it is brand new. Work just kept it at arm’s length. You were too busy to notice. Now you’re not.

And honestly? That’s not a sign the pause is failing. It might be the clearest sign it’s working.

When discomfort isn’t a problem to solve

I think what makes this so hard for people like us is that, for our whole careers, when something felt uncomfortable, we fixed it. Something’s off? Find the problem, make the call, move on. That instinct is a big part of why you were so good at what you did. But it doesn’t serve you quite the same way here. Right now, the discomfort isn’t something to solve. It’s something to listen to.

About that board invitation

I loved that you caught your own reaction. Relief. Finally, something to do. That’s such an honest moment, and it tells me how hard these last few months have really been. But relief and real interest aren’t the same thing, and it’s worth figuring out which one is doing the talking.

Here’s what I’d try. Think about one of your good mornings, the ones where you feel free and settled and maybe even a little curious about what’s next. Now picture that version of you getting the call. Does she feel a spark of excitement? If she does, this might genuinely be your next step. But if the appeal is mostly about getting away from the discomfort, I’d hold off. Saying yes too soon can quietly close a door you’ve only just started to open.

And you don’t have to answer this week. You really don’t. It’s perfectly okay to say, “I’m honoured, and I’d love a little time to think about it.” Good organizations understand that. If it’s the right fit, it’ll still be the right fit next month.

What to do with what’s coming up

So how do you know if the pause is working? I don’t think it’s about how many months go by. It’s about whether you’re actually letting yourself feel what’s coming up, instead of rushing past it.

That doesn’t mean you need to sort out every regret, or have every answer about your marriage, before you move forward. It just means turning toward these things a little, instead of waiting for them to go away. Jot a few thoughts down when they come. Sit down with your spouse and talk, really talk, about what each of you hopes this next part of life will look like. And get curious about those Sunday evenings. Is something missing? Or are you bracing for something?

None of it has to be heavy. Small, honest moments tend to do more than any big plan ever could.

You told everyone you were taking time to figure out what you really want. And you know what? Four months in, that’s exactly what you’re doing. It’s just messier and more personal than a plan would have been. In my experience, that’s usually how the real answers show up.

A few questions to sit with:

• What’s come up in these four months that you were simply too busy to notice before?

• On your best, most settled morning, would you still want to say yes to the board?

• What might shift if you met this pause with curiosity instead of judgement?

Be patient with yourself. You haven’t lost your way. You’re finding it.

Warm regards,

Toni Petrillo

Retirement Lifestyle Consultant

Founder, Retire With Intention