Ask a Retirement Coach: My Wife Doesn't Want to Retire

Dear Retirement Coach;

I just retired and my wife and I had planned on traveling in retirement. My wife is reluctant to retire as she really loves what she is doing and doesn't even think of it as work. I'm really disappointed. My plans in retirement had her included and now I'm not sure what to do.

Any advice?

Left Out in the Retirement Cold

Dear Left Out in the Retirement Cold;

Thank you for reaching out. Retirement brings a significant shift, especially when you’re ready for shared adventures, and your spouse isn’t there yet. It’s common for couples to face differing visions during this transition, and with understanding and flexibility, you can build a fulfilling retirement together, even if it unfolds differently than you expected.

Embrace Open Communication

To move forward, it’s essential to have an open conversation with your wife about her career. Ask her what she enjoys most about her work and how it fulfills her. Some people view their jobs as integral to their identity, and the idea of leaving can feel daunting. If you understand her motivations, it may help create empathy and make it easier for both of you to approach this transition.

On your side, share what excites you most about retirement and why spending more time together is important to you. Whether it’s travel, new hobbies, or just the idea of shared experiences, be open about why these dreams mean so much. This understanding can help foster a more collaborative approach as you explore ways to move forward.

Look for Small Compromises

Even if a full-time retirement isn’t on the immediate horizon for her, consider some ways to bring a bit of your retirement dreams to life. Could you plan weekend trips or shorter vacations around her schedule? If travel is a big part of your vision, try taking advantage of her work breaks or free weekends to explore nearby destinations.

Over time, these shared experiences can deepen your connection and make the prospect of more substantial adventures down the road feel more attainable.

Redefine What Quality Time Looks Like Now

If big trips are challenging to coordinate, think about ways to create meaningful experiences closer to home. Local day trips, taking a cooking class together, or trying a new hobby can bring you closer. Even working on small projects at home or starting a shared garden can bring enjoyment. These activities can create a sense of shared purpose and build lasting memories, regardless of your wife’s work schedule.

Embrace Your Own Retirement Path

This could also be an opportunity to explore interests and passions that are uniquely yours. Retirement is a chance to dive into activities, hobbies, and projects that may have felt out of reach during your working years. Whether you’re drawn to volunteer work, learning a new skill, or simply connecting with others in a social group, having pursuits you’re passionate about can help you feel fulfilled while you’re waiting for your wife to be ready to join you on more extensive adventures.

Create New Traditions Together

Without requiring a full commitment to retirement, you can establish small but meaningful traditions that bring you both joy. Weekly date nights, cooking dinner together once a week, or starting a movie night ritual are simple yet effective ways to strengthen your connection. These shared routines don’t rely on big commitments but can still foster intimacy and shared joy. Over time, these traditions can become cherished parts of your life together, even if they’re less about “retirement” and more about simply enjoying each other’s company.

Find Support in Your Community

Navigating retirement without a partner’s full-time involvement can feel isolating. Consider joining a retirement group or connecting with other retirees who are also discovering their new paths. These communities offer camaraderie, as well as new ideas for how to make the most of this phase. Talking with others in a similar place can provide both encouragement and inspiration as you define your retirement journey.

Revisit Your Goals Together

Keep in mind that retirement is a gradual evolution, and your plans can shift. Consider setting aside time for an annual “retirement check-in” where you both share what’s working, what isn’t, and what you’d like to change. This gives both of you a chance to express new interests or evolving needs, and it can also help you adjust plans over time as circumstances change.

Focus on the Long Game

While your wife may be committed to her work now, remember that her plans and interests might evolve over time. She may eventually want to cut back on her hours, work part-time, or even step away from her career. By keeping the conversation open and revisiting your vision of retirement together, you’re building a foundation that allows you both to adjust when the time is right.

Retirement isn’t a rigid plan; it’s a journey.

Through small compromises, open communication, and a willingness to be flexible, you’re laying the groundwork for a rich and fulfilling retirement—even if it doesn’t look quite like the dream you initially imagined. With mutual respect and understanding, you can find ways to enjoy this phase of life together, creating lasting memories and shared experiences along the way.

Warmly,

Toni

Certified Retirement Coach