Turning 63: Still Trying to Figure Life Out

This week I will be turning 63. As I begin to look forward to the year ahead, I can't help but find myself looking back at the year that’s just passed and some of the lessons that I’ve learned along the way.

The last year for me was filled with some significant highs and lows. It started in January with the sudden loss of my father in law. It came as a complete shock that my healthy, active 92 year old father in law suddenly fell ill and passed without warning. We held on tight to the fact that he lived a long and happy life but the hole that he left in our family was significant.

Shortly after my father in law’s funeral, my husband and I boarded a plane to visit Portugal and Spain. The trip itself was wonderful. We had a chance to get out of the cold and see some great sights, eat some wonderful food and drink some delicious wine. 

Also, while we were away, my daughter got engaged. Her partner had spoken to us before we left to ask for our blessing, which we gladly gave, and were thrilled when we received the call while travelling that she had accepted his proposal.

But I discovered that when I arrived home, I was just not feeling like myself. Even though we had a great trip and an upcoming wedding to look forward to, I discovered a slow sadness creeping in. I found myself searching for the meaning of joy and purpose in my life and questioning many of my previous beliefs.

I started to question everything - from what did I really want from my life now to what was the point of any of this. I even questioned the concept of purpose. Up until then, I had strongly promoted the need for purpose and found myself now questioning whether there was any point to it.

But as I slowly started to pull myself through this, I then received a call. My mother had a fall and had been admitted to the hospital. I was suddenly bounced back into action caring for someone. She had broken her femur and needed a partial hip replacement. 

My mother lived quite a distance away so I got on a plane to be with her. After her surgery, I stayed with her as we tried to figure out what the next steps would be. Initially, she was going to be transferred to a complex care unit for rehabilitation and assessed for where she would need to be moved to long term.

After some time in rehabilitation, they assessed that she would not be able to return to her residence and would now need to be moved into long term care. I had to come up with a list of 5 or 6 homes where we would be willing to have her moved to and then as soon as an opening became available accept it or be taken off the critical placement list and left to figure things out ourselves. I had to have this list prepared within a week.

I then began touring long term care facilities. I visited so many and learned so much about long term care (that’s a whole other story). Some were great whereas a few others I wouldn’t leave my dog to stay. We managed to get the list together and then started the waiting game.

Then the call came. She had to be moved and also moved out of her previous residence. Let’s just say there were lots of moving parts and between myself, my brother and my husband everything eventually worked out.

All of this was happening while wedding plans were being finalized, showers were being held, and we were completing renovations in the house to prepare for our incoming guests. 

The wedding was beautiful. I have never seen my daughter smile so much and I felt a shift happen. As I watched my family pull together for this event - my children, my grandchildren - It felt like I was handing over a baton to the next generation.

Needless to say, this past year has been very busy filled with the highs of highs and lows of lows. As I now try and catch my breath, I am discovering I did learn a few things this past year;

You can make all the plans you like but they are never guaranteed

Life throws some unexpected curve balls. For example, we were actively planning to have my father in law and extended family travel and join us for Christmas last year only to find ourselves face to face with his mortality. I learned we can plan all we like but as John Lennon so eloquently shared, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”. How we respond is what is really important. Which leads me to…

Acceptance and resilience are traits we under value

Given how quickly life can change, I’m discovering acceptance and resilience are character traits that we often undervalue but are what really the key pins that help us keep our lives moving forward. Our ability to accept what has happened and then finding the resilience and strength to keep going is what keeps our lives momentum.

Life keeps moving forward whether we like it or not

As I moved through some of these significant milestones this past year - some filled with joy and others with sorrow - I realized that life just keeps on moving. As I witnessed my father in law’s passing and my mother’s condition with sadness, alongside my daughter’s wedding filled with joy and seeing my grandchildren experience life with such curiosity, I realized that the pendulum of life has a way of giving us both happiness and sadness all at the same time and that these contradictions are what makes up our life’s tapestry.

Our purpose doesn’t have to be large to be important

I had always carried a quiet belief that our purpose had to be something significant - something we could point to. Something that makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning. Now I'm not so sure. If this past year taught me anything, sometimes it’s just showing up and being there for the people you care about is purpose enough.

But there's one lesson I want to be clear about - I still haven't got it figured out.

I still have questions without answers. I still wonder what I’m doing. I still keep asking is this who I’m really meant to be. 

But maybe that is what life really is. A lot of questions without necessarily the answers. Maybe that’s what keeps us going. If we weren't seeking answers, would we be motivated to keep moving forward?

So as I approach my 63rd birthday, I do so with an open mind and heart. If this past year taught me anything, there are no guarantees in life so I need to celebrate and embrace all that I have and try to accept with strength and resilience all that may come.

Because one thing I do know for sure - no one knows what tomorrow will bring.