When Was the Last Time You Made a Friend?

In an age where there are a great number of technological solutions to staying connected to our social circles, so few of us really feel connected.  

According to the May 2021 American Perspectives Survey, 12% of Americans reported having no friends, a sharp increase from under 3% in the 1990s. This trend is not unique to the U.S.; similar patterns have been observed in the United Kingdom where the number of young adults with only one or no close friends rose from 7% to nearly 20% between 2012 and 2021.  

As for seniors, 31% report that it has been at least five years since they made a new friend. The latter finding is not all that surprising given that research indicates that most of us make friends at work. 

British psychologist Dr. Robin Dunbar suggests that our need for connection dates back to our hunter-gatherer days. You see we use to hang out in close-knit groups that included both family and friends. The more cooperative and supportive the group, the better its chances of survival, allowing those who fostered strong social bonds to pass on their genes. As a result, humans are biologically programmed to desire deep, lasting friendships that provide security and support. 

Our modern day lives however, make establishing and maintaining friendships challenging.  

Dunbar’s research sheds light on how to strategically increase the number of connections in your life by focussing on how we naturally form relationships. His theory suggests that humans have always structured their connections into three distinct circles: intimate, relational, and collective. Each circle plays a vital role in our overall sense of belonging and well-being. 

Dunbar’s circles of connection 

The inner most circle of intimate relationships consists of people with whom we are closest. Those we trust and with whom we can be vulnerable and call at 4:00 am when we need an ear. Essentially this group consists of partners, closest friends, and family members. 

Our intimate circle takes up the majority of our time and energy. According to Dunbar, approximately 60% of our time. Hence this number rarely exceeds 5. 

Our middle circle of friends can accommodate 150 people, and while quite different than our intimate circle of friends, is just as vital to our wellbeing. These are the folks that gather together around group activities such as team sports, singing in a choir, dancing in a group or attending a neighborhood BBQ. 

The magic of these exchanges resides in synchronous activity. When our individual movements are in sync with others, think walking in tandem with a friend and your cadence matches one another’s, the interaction results in the release of endorphins and fuels a natural high. 

Lastly, the outer circle is composed of colleagues, acquaintances, and other members of our community. It can number over 500 connections and serves to provide familiarity, comfort and a sense of belonging.  

We tend to share similar interests that may be faith based, professional or neighbourly with these connections. And while these folks are not those with whom we share our greatest fears and anxieties, they provide comfort in that we share communal identities. 

So which of your circles need some love and attention? Is it time to reconnect with your bestie? What about your neighbours? Or maybe a night out with work colleagues or friends from your book or wine tasting club is a much-needed activity.  

Nurturing connections of any type, be it intimate, relational or collective, does take time and energy but it is a worthwhile endeavour. Your brain and body will thank you for it! 

In Week 5 of the Brain Booster Challenge, we will explore the role of social connections in promoting cognitive health. This session will dive deep into how building meaningful relationships and engaging in social interactions can sharpen the mind and enhance emotional resilience. Don't miss out—sign up for the Brain Booster Challenge today. All are welcome. 

To your health and longevity! 

 Dr. Gill