The Writing and Lessons Of A Eulogy

I clearly remember the day when my father passed away. I received the fateful call while on a walk with my husband. Thank goodness he was there as I really don't remember much about the walk back home.

The news was a complete shock.

My dad was in very good health and at the age of 84 was still hiking three miles a day. But this particular day when he went for his regular hike, he just didn’t come back home. He had a heart attack on the trail and died immediately on the spot.

I took some comfort in the fact that given the multitude of options of how people could die, this is how my dad would have wanted it. No long drawn out painful exit. Just a sudden farewell while doing something he loved.

Given it happened during the pandemic, the arrangements we made were extremely constrained. We were allowed to have twenty five people inside the church for the service and were fortunate as there was a small garden area just outside the church where we could host a small social distancing reception after the service. Technology had also made it’s way into the funeral as the service was streamed over Zoom for those that were not be able to attend.

As we prepared for the service, I considered whether I wanted to say anything about my father or not. I knew I would be emotional and wasn’t sure I would be able to string two words together without falling apart. The idea of crying uncontrollably at the alter and possibly not able to say a word horrified me.

But I also knew I couldn’t let my dad go without saying some type of farewell and sharing with people what he had meant to me.

So I decided to do it.

I had never written a eulogy before and didn’t even know where to start. So in typical 20th century fashion I googled, “how to write a eulogy”. It seems I wasn't the only one that didn’t know what to do as there were plenty of resources to choose from. After looking at a number of different websites and suggestions, I landed on WikiHow’s – 3 Ways To Write A Eulogy and decided to follow it’s advice.

At the most simplest level, a eulogy is designed to be an opportunity to share with others who the person was to you, what your relationship was like along with some stories and memories that really stood out during the time that you spent with them.

So that’s what I did. I thought about my dad and what he meant to me. I remembered a couple of stories to share that demonstrated his character and what was important to him. I also then talked about who he has left behind and how we will now continue on without him.

When the time came to speak, I found myself surprisingly calm.

I kept thinking about what this would mean to my dad and wanted him (if he could actually hear me) and anyone else who was listening to hear what a special man he was. In some strange way, as I delivered the eulogy it was like my dad was standing right beside me with his arm around my shoulder.

Throughout this entire experience, I couldn’t help but also reflect on my own life and consider what would people might say about me after I’m gone. I discovered as I wrote my father’s eulogy, I just wanted to tell people what he was like as a person. I wanted to share stories of the things he taught me and what he valued. I wanted to recognize the people he cared about and who cared about him. There was never a desire to mention the things that we often value most in life – his career or the material possessions he had accumulated. It was all about how he made people feel and the memories and legacy he was leaving.

Maybe this is the gift that the person who leaves us provides.

They force us to stop, pause and reflect on not only their lives but also our own as we come face to face with both life’s mortality and what is really important in the end.

Here is a copy of what I said for my father’s eulogy. His service was held on Thanksgiving Sunday. Even though I found this challenging, I am glad that I spoke and didn’t skip this opportunity to tell people how much he meant to me. I think he would have been proud.

Rest in peace dad.

Alexander (“Sandy”) Polson Gammie

Hello everyone and thank you for being here. I know that the pandemic has interrupted many of our traditional rituals and even though we may not be able to physically see or comfort each other right now, I do feel your support for my family and I and for that I am very grateful. Thank you.

It also seems somewhat ironic that the day we all join together to celebrate my Dad’s life is Thanksgiving Sunday. Because that is exactly how I feel about my father.

Thankful.

From a very young age, I can remember feeling my dad’s presence and security around me. Whether it was him holding my hand as I crossed the street or giving me a hug for no other reason then he just wanted to, he was a quiet, thoughtful man who’s only primary concern in life was the welfare and well being of his family.

My father was a man with great principles. Hard work, commitment, generosity and helping others were only some of what he stood for.

His honesty was also beyond the level I have ever witnessed from anyone else in my lifetime. I remember being in a store with him once and was so embarrassed as he argued with the sales clerk. He insisted that she had given him too much change and she needed to take back some of the money. She said that wasn’t the case. My dad refused to leave the store until she took it because as he told me afterwards, “you never take something from someone that isn’t yours”.

Or there was the time when I was playing golf with him and was so frustrated as I found my ball yet once again behind a tree so rather then try and hit it, I threw it onto the fairway. He caught me doing this and told me, “if you can’t play the game honestly, then don’t play at all”. He was continually reminding us to always tell the truth – “this way”, he told us, “no one will ever have a reason not to trust you.”.

My dad also had a wicked sense of humour. He loved to laugh and because he was such a good sport, we would often tease him. It was such fun to do because he was such a humble man who did not need or want attention and it was hilarious to see him squirm whenever this was the case.

The attention that he did like was given to his ten grandchildren. I remember my dad down on his hands and knees rolling on the carpet with each of them when they were young. He was so proud of all of them and would tell anyone who was interested in listening everything about them.

He also taught me about the strength of unconditional love. My father loved my mother more then anything else in this world. For over 62 years, they spent their lives together. They shared this love not only with their own family but also with thousands of foster children who came through our home. Like in everyone’s life, there were challenges but their love always endured. Right to the point of my dad’s last note written to my mom before his final walk. He wrote – “I have gone for a long walk, I’ll call to pick me up when I get tired. I love you. Sandy.”

I guess you were tired dad and just couldn’t make the trek back to us this time. But I feel grateful that you enjoyed your life right up until the end and ultimately left us while doing something you loved.

I will miss you dad but I take comfort in knowing that you are not actually gone. I see so many of your principles and perspectives on life now shining through your grandchildren. Family, honesty, service to others and love. It’s heart warming to see your legacy continue through them.

This is why I am truly thankful. For the world really could use more people just like you.