Seeking Connection Over Perfection This Holiday Season

"Dinner's ready!"

I call from the kitchen, looking at the meal I've just prepared. Everything is timed perfectly, steaming and ready. But nobody moves. They're talking, finishing conversations, scrolling on phones. Five minutes pass. Ten. I start to feel my jaw tighten as I watch the food getting cold.

When they finally drift to the table I know I'm showing signs of irritation. My family has even started joking about my catchphrase: "It's better when it's hot." I'm not sure where this originated, but it's become my holiday refrain, especially for what I consider special meals.

And here's what I'm learning: my irritation really isn't about the food temperature.

When Good Enough Isn't Good Enough

I'll be honest. I like things to go well during the holidays. I plan menus for the days people are visiting, make grocery lists, create timelines for when things need to be done. My routine actually provides me comfort - but when it doesn't go according to plan, I get irritated. And I'm pretty sure people notice.

Here's a good example. A number of years back I had spent over four hours preparing Thanksgiving dinner. When we finally sat down to eat, it was devoured in about fifteen minutes. In trying to extend our time at the table with conversation, I asked what everyone liked most about the meal. One of my kids said "the cranberries" - the only thing I didn't make.. I couldn't get mad as they were just being honest, but my feelings were hurt. All that effort, and what stood out was something from a can. For years later this was referred to as the "cranberry incident".

That's when I started to realize I might be taking this too personally.

I realize some of my high expectations come from media images of perfect family gatherings (thanks Martha Stewart). But mostly, it's my own internal pressure. When my kids were small, I felt I needed to manage everything. But they're grown now, and I'm still operating like I'm the only one who can make the holidays happen.

Research shows that perfectionism is linked to increased holiday stress, with perfectionists reporting more distress and less enjoyment. Psychologists note that pursuing the "perfect" holiday often backfires, creating pressure that undermines the joy and connection we're trying to create.

So the irony isn't lost on me: in trying to create meaningful holidays, I can sometimes become too stressed to actually even enjoy them.

What I'm Really Holding Onto

This year, I'm trying to let go a bit. Not abandon my routines or stop caring, but relax more into the experience and not get uptight if things don't go according to my plan.

I'm still doing the same things - I've got my lists, my timeline, my menu. But I'm working on a crucial reframe: I provide the space and the meal. How they enjoy it is up to them.

If they take 15 minutes to come to the table, that's their choice. If they finish quickly, that's fine. If they prefer something simple, that doesn't diminish the care I put in.

But as I try to let go, I'm discovering what's underneath: my fear of disappointing my family. Fear that without my control and effort, the holidays won't be special. I love the gift-giving, the food, and especially the time we spend together. And I somehow believe that I need to make it all work perfectly for it to be meaningful.

What Actually Makes Holidays Memorable

But my kids probably don't remember the perfectly timed meals from their childhood. They don't remember which year the turkey was cooked to absolute perfection. What they likely remember is how they felt. Whether the holidays were relaxed or tense. Whether I was present or stressed.

I spent years trying to create memorable holidays through perfect execution. But I'm beginning to wonder whether I might have also created memories of someone trying to be just a bit too controlling and possibly not letting anyone else help.

This connects to something I've been learning in other areas of my life recently: the need to stop measuring everything by accomplishment and to be present rather than performing. The holidays are just another place where I need to learn that connection matters more than perfection.

What I'm Trying This Year

Studies show that focusing on connection rather than perfection leads to more positive holiday experiences. So I'm practicing some new approaches:

Letting others' enjoyment be their responsibility. I provide the meal, the space, the opportunity to gather. How they choose to experience it is up to them. If they eat quickly or prefer simple things - that's okay. That's their choice and I shouldn't judge.

Recognizing that "special" doesn't require perfection. The holidays can be special even if the timing is off or something burns. Specialness comes from connection, not execution.

Acknowledging I'm not solely responsible for everyone's good time. I need to accept that everyone else can contribute and that maybe it's okay if things are a little loose, a little imperfect.

Noticing my irritation and letting it pass. When people don't come to the table immediately, when my plans shift - I'm going to work on noticing my reaction without acting on it.

Remembering what actually matters. The gift-giving, the food, and especially the time spent together - this is what matters. Not whether the food is hot or whether it all goes according to plan or if people appreciated what I did.

The Super Glue vs. Paper Glue Principle

I realize that I've been acting like I'm the glue holding holidays together and that without my perfect execution, it would all fall apart. But I'm also trying to recognize that the glue doesn't have to be super glue. Regular paper glue works just fine. And if it splits open, that's not a problem. We can stick it back together. We can improvise. We can even laugh about it.

The holidays will still be special even if I'm not working myself into exhaustion. In fact, maybe they'll actually be more special, because I'll be relaxed enough to enjoy them.

To Others Who Take On Too Much

If you possibly take on too much during the holidays, control too much or expect too much, and then feel hurt when it's not appreciated the way you hoped - here's some things of what I'm (slowly) learning:

Your effort has value regardless of how it's received. The hours you spent cooking, the thoughtfulness you put into gifts - that matters, even if nobody mentions it.

But more importantly the people you love would probably prefer a relaxed, present version of you over a stressed one. They'd probably prefer slightly cold food and a happy host over perfect temperature and irritation.

So let them help. Let them bring things. Let them do it differently than you would. Choose connection over perfection.

This holiday season, I'm practicing being paper glue instead of super glue. I'm providing what I can, releasing control over how it's received, and trying to actually be present for the moments I've been working so hard to create.

It's not easy as old patterns run deep. But I'm working on it.

After all, what's the point of creating memorable holidays if I'm too stressed to remember them myself?

Connection versus perfection - think it kind of has a nice ring to it, don't you?

Happy Holidays everyone!