Pregnancy and Infant Loss - And a Grandmother's Grief
My soul is aching.
How could we lose our grandson after just 3 and a half hours of life? How in any way is this right? How can I now just stand back from a distance and watch the pain my baby is suffering now having lost his baby?
I can’t fix this. I can’t make it better.
As a mother, that is all I want to do.
But I’m realizing that this isn’t my story. I’m just a supporting role in all this sadness. My son is now an adult and I have to let him live through this pain in his own way and just let him know that I’m here if he needs me.
Letting go is the hardest part of all.
Letting go of not being able to stop my son’s pain. Letting go of all the dreams that I had for my grandson. Letting go of the experiences I hoped we would share. Letting go of the life that I had envisioned that we would all share together.
I wrote the above passage shortly after learning that my grandson, Laine, was born prematurely and died in my son and his fiancée's arms just three and a half short hours later.
When this first happened, all I could think about was my son and his fiancée and how they were going to manage through this tragic life event. So many hopes and dreams just suddenly dashed.
We couldn't change this. All we could do was let them know we were there for them.
Food became our language of love as we arranged for meals to be delivered and praying that they would stay strong as they tried to reorient themselves and come to grips with the sudden loss of their child. The feelings I had of helplessness was overwhelming. But all I could do was wait until they were ready to talk.
This is not how life is supposed to go.
Your children outlive you and their children outlive them. This is the cycle of life that we expect. Anything different doesn’t seem fair.
I tried to stay strong but discovered my own personal grief showed up in unusual and unexpected ways. Whether it was in a store and I suddenly found myself crying as I walked through a baby clothes section. Or sobbing listening to John Lennon sing “Beautiful Boy” and realizing that I would not be able to ever hold Laine in my arms. Or when I went into the grocery store and picked up a can of tomatoes and for what seemed no apparent reason just burst into tears.
For those of you that read my articles, you probably know that I’m relatively open about the things that happen in my life but this was one of the toughest things for me to share.
However, inspired by my son’s fiancée, I feel an obligation to open up this conversation as October 15th is pregnancy and infancy loss awareness day.
Too many people suffer this type of loss and we don’t talk about it nearly enough. Even though well intentioned, words like, “it’s good that they are young, they can have another” or “it’s better that they didn’t live as there would likely be health problems” don’t do much to ease the pain of this loss and though unintended can minimize the hopes that we had for this new life.
Laine was a loved member of our family. We mourn his loss the same way we would any other family member.
So please, recognize that this is a situation that affects so many people and that their loss and grief is real. Losing an infant is not just something that you “get over” or “move on” from. The memories and feelings of loss are forever etched on a person’s heart.
Including those of a grandmother.
