Motherhood: The Road Not Taken

My apologies to Édith Piaf but I am a regrettaholic. 

Some see regret as a futile indulgence or a wasteful activity because dwelling on past mistakes or missed opportunities consumes precious time and energy without offering any constructive benefit. I have always preferred to view it as a necessary exercise in self-awareness and introspection, both essential for personal growth and development. 

I have been thinking a lot about regrets and the weight of our choices, specifically those related to having or not having children.

The topic is constantly circulating. One notable, controversial example is comedian Chelsea Handler's viral video A Day in the Life of a Childless Woman. Handler's exaggerated spoof on the freedom and spontaneity that results from not having children ruffled many feathers and added to the debate and discourse surrounding parenthood vs. personal fulfillment. 

In a 2024 National Post piece, The-choice-to-be-child-free-ripples-through-life writer Liane Faulder talks with author Maria Coffey about her compelling memoir, "Instead: Navigating the Adventures of a Child-free Life," in which Coffey, with poignant honesty, shares how she and her husband chose a lifestyle free of raising children and the consequences of that decision. She reflects on what it's like to be a woman in her late 60s and the repercussions of deviating from societal norms.

Coffey mentions, "Even when you make the choice that's right for you, it doesn't mean you never think about the road not being taken. In any choice, whether to select a particular career or to live in one city over another, there is still the tug of what if." Coffey refers to this as "counterfactual curiosity." 

I found myself particularly drawn to her portrayal of certain situations, like what happens when she bluntly answers "no" to the frequent inquiry about having children or grandchildren, and the subsequent sense of bewilderment and awkwardness that often follows.

In a recent much-buzzed-about essay in Time Magazine,  renowned novelist R.O. Kwon examines societal expectations surrounding parenthood. Kwon defends her stance on not having children by sharing personal anecdotes and stories from individuals she interviews with parental regret, who open up about their emotional struggles despite the stigma they encounter for expressing such feelings. 

The deeper I dove into that Time essay, the more I was transported back in time, back to the days when I was still of childbearing age, in my early thirties, and newly married.

I never felt the pressure of my biological clock, perhaps naively thinking I had infinite time. I was too preoccupied with settling in with my first real full-time job and dealing with life's curveballs, like when my husband's mother, at 56, got diagnosed with acute myelogenous leukemia (AML).

My husband would go to work and spend long hours at the hospital afterwards. I don't think there could be any more satisfying sign of how rewarding it must be to have had kids than to witness them become caring, sensitive individuals willing to be there for you because they want to and consider it a privilege to take care of you.

My husband and his siblings selflessly paused their lives to care for and make the most of their time with their mother. In the end, my mother-in-law succumbed to this devastating cancer at age 58. 

My parents' advancing age may also have influenced my decision not to have children. I wanted to ensure that I could assist my parents without feeling torn between conflicting responsibilities. But as the years swiftly passed, the prospect of starting a family kept taking a back seat to the immediacy of daily demands.

In her essay, R.O. Kwon recounts the various comments she would typically encounter when asked about having children, spanning from, "I'll be told I'll change my mind, that I'm wrong, and that while I'll regret not having a child, people don't regret the obverse."

She cites, "For here's the next question people tend to broach if I indicate I don't plan on having kids: what does my husband think? I find this odd, a little prying—do people think I didn't discuss this topic with him, at length, long before we pledged to share a life? But the question also rings the alarm bell of one of my great fears. If I respond with the truth that he feels exactly as I do, here's the usual follow-up: But what if he changes his mind?" 

I have often found myself in a comparable situation.

Now in my 60s, those intrusive "what-if" thoughts have a way of taunting me, especially as I confront the inevitable reality of one of us passing away, leaving the other to be alone.

Whenever I spot an elderly parent tenderly escorted by their grown-up offspring, I can't help but feel a pull. While I'm not in a rush to need a hand, the idea of having that special kind of bond is undeniably appealing, even if I understand that it's not guaranteed.

Writer Liane Faulder concludes her conversation with Maria Coffey by revealing that,

"Coffey still finds herself fearful from time to time as the couple continues to live a rich yet peripatetic life. Things are good now, but what about later? Will she find herself old and alone, with no one to help? Will she be sorry, eventually, for not having had a baby?

"I often say that when young women ask me the (baby) question now, I say it's all a risk. Not having a child is a risk; having a child is a risk. Life is a risk." 

I wholeheartedly agree.

While I may not be sure about many things, guilty as charged, I am most certain of my gratitude that we live in a society that values choice and the liberty to make such complex decisions, enabling us to voice our preferred tune—be it the resolute 'Non, je ne regrette rien' or the more nuanced 'Oui, je regrette un peu.'

About the Author;

Wendy Reichental enjoys writing about life's quirks and foibles in short essays and opinion pieces. Her work has appeared in publications like The Montreal Gazette and Ottawa's Globe and Mail, as well as digital platforms such as Booming Encore, Refresh Reflexology Magazine and numerous online forums. Wendy's unique observation on the initial days of the pandemic lockdown is captured in the anthology Chronicling the Days: Dispatches from the Pandemic, published by Guernica Editions in the spring of 2021. Wendy holds a B.A. and a Diploma in Human Relations and Family Life Education from McGill University.