Things to Consider When Navigating a Move in Later Life

Where to Live

Recently I was asked for help by a relatively well-off retiree deciding where to move next. He and his wife, ages 68 and 64, are healthy, active, and well-traveled. Their past addresses have included Mexico, London, Singapore, and the United States. They recently moved to Princeton, New Jersey, drawn by its beauty, diversity, and proximity to New York City's amenities.

 But Princeton's limited apartment options now make it feel less suitable. They are seriously considering moving to the Upper East Side of Manhattan, which would place them closer to their two sons - one married with two grandchildren - and to a rich cultural life.

 However, their married daughter, who lives in Miami with her two grandchildren, is urging them to move closer to her in sunny Coral Gables, Florida.

Caught between these competing residential pulls - lifestyle amenities and family allegiances - the couple is seeking guidance to navigate the many trade-offs among their possible choices.

 My response emphasizes that their decision is even more complicated than it first appears. They must ask not only where they want to live now, but also whether that choice will still work a decade from now if health or mobility declines threaten their ability to live independently and they need help. I thought that my advice may also help others ask themselves some necessary questions so that they too can find their "right" place to live.

Here was my response:

Thanks for your query about finding the "right" place to live. I could easily recommend many articles and books that evaluate the livability of states such as Florida and New York.

However, I am unsatisfied with much of this advice because it focuses too narrowly on housing and location options. It ignores how older people make decisions and treats them as interchangeable, asking what is good for "retirees" or for some imagined average older person. As a result, you may get incomplete and superficial answers.

In contrast, I see getting older as deeply personal. Older adults must grapple with idiosyncratic motives and constraints that drive their decisions. So my advice on where to move may not be as "simple" as you hoped, but I can suggest the issues I would put first.

What Will Likely Drive Your Residential Thinking

Recognize that your housing deliberations are not happening in a biographical vacuum. Your colorful residential history—living in Mexico, England, Singapore, and now Princeton, New Jersey—will inevitably shape your next move. Your past suggests an adventurous, open-minded person who can adapt to change. The prospect of a new chapter in life clearly energizes you.

In your favor, strong emotional attachments to past residences have not kept you from moving before. You also seem capable of handling the social disruptions that older persons sometimes suffer when uprooted.

The Appeal of New York Rentals

Your focus on New York City's Upper East Side as a potential destination makes sense. Living near your sons and grandchildren is a strong incentive, and it should be easy to find a premium rental complex. I would recommend a spacious apartment to accommodate your daughter from Miami and her children during their stays. Although this area has some of the highest rents in the country, your financial position should make it manageable.

This location will also offer you the lifestyle and cultural amenities you enjoy. Its denser neighborhoods will make it easier to reach parks, upscale shops, restaurants, museums, and universities on foot or by public transit. Here, too, it will be feasible to build a new social circle of friends, which is so important in late life.

Your preference for renting also makes it easier to cope with unexpected events in your future. As you have done multiple times, it is so much easier to pick up stakes and move elsewhere. Renting in old age also has its unique benefits, sparing you the homeowner's concerns about repairs, upkeep, insurance, and property taxes. An elevator building also removes the burden of negotiating stairs, which may be relevant down the line.

To be sure, downtown Coral Gables, Florida, also has an attractive high-end rental market—and better weather. This locale offers plentiful cultural and recreational amenities within walking or trolley distance, though a car is probably more necessary. Living here, of course, would allow you to see your daughter and grandchildren regularly.

Two Decision Makers, Not One

So it is clear that the New York rental scene, along with living near your sons and grandchildren, is a strong draw for you. But would being farther from your daughter in Miami and her children cause regret - especially for your wife? Have you discussed with her where your family loyalties lie? Are you confident she shares your feelings? Mother-daughter bonds can be especially strong, and your wife may prioritize geographic closeness to her daughter over the benefits of living in New York near your sons. For her, that desire for intimacy may be most critical. 

My concern is that couples often realize too late that they imagined retirement differently. Consequently, disagreements about where to live can strain marriages and lead to late-life separations - with its own terminology - "gray divorce." To avoid such unpleasant scenarios, good communication between partners is essential.

Future Time Horizons

Are you looking far enough ahead? Your next years can be rewarding, but you cannot rule out health and mobility challenges. Consider how today's housing decisions could support you or your wife in five years if either of you needs help recovering from illness or living independently.

What if daily activities like walking, driving, shopping, or cooking become difficult? What if memory problems develop? Where would you feel more secure, near your sons or daughter? Moreover, if one of you were to die, would the survivor's living preferences change?

I ask because the literature consistently reports that daughters, more than sons, are the most dedicated and reliable providers of hands-on care. While not always true, this would be one reason for relocating to Florida.

I Don't Want to Burden My Family

However, you may have a very different take on your future care needs. You may be determined not to rely on your adult children. You seek their affection, not their physical assistance. You do not wish to burden them with caregiving responsibilities. Consistent with your personality, you want to retain control over your care decisions as long as possible. Again, you must be confident that your wife shares these sentiments. 

If these are your caregiving preferences, it may be prudent to compare New York and Florida not only as lifestyle destinations or for proximity to family, but also as long-term care environments. High-quality independent living, assisted living, memory care, and home care services for older adults vary widely in availability, quality, and cost. Even if money is not a concern, it would be prudent to compare care options and their quality ratings in the specific New York and Florida communities you are considering.

You might look into Continuing Care or Life Plan Retirement Communities that offer multiple levels of care. These are often expensive options, but they appeal to older adults who want a seamless transition to a higher level of assistance without frantic searches. This is a selling point for many retirees seeking to spare their families from this responsibility.

If you prefer to address your vulnerabilities at home, paid home care is definitely an option. However, keep in mind that arranging and monitoring this assistance works best with the involvement of a trusted family member.

Good Luck

Finding the "right" place to retire requires thoughtful personal deliberations and honest conversations. What matters is a place that best fits both you and your wife's needs and priorities, now and later. If you would like to explore this further, let me know. Ultimately, it's your choice, and I hope you both end up "aging in the right place."