Navigating an Out-of-Sync Marriage in Retirement

It will be three years since I took early retirement from my administrative position, which I held onto for almost thirty years.

Full confession, I am still grappling with this new chapter.

At the onset of the pandemic, I pivoted quickly to filling my less structured days with online learning opportunities; reflexology workshops (part of my second-act career move) and far too many armchair travel programs like hiking through South Luangwa National Park in Zambia, and exploring Jewish Rome and India, among a plethora of other online activities.

I even learned the essence of being centered, mindful and more flexible, at least where my yoga class was concerned.

Opposite to my metamorphosis, and codependence on my laptop, and virtual world, my non-retired husband has for the past two years been stuck in a novel reality of his own.

He had to make adjustments, too.

Because of the pandemic, his everyday cadence and routine were disrupted. He had to completely readapt to a new work environment away from his primary downtown office, replete with the bustle and camaraderie of colleagues.

In an article written for AARP (American Association for Retired Persons), social historian Stephanie Coontz cites;

"As 76 million boomers march toward what was once a generally agreed-upon "retirement age," many are poorly prepared for the conflicts unleashed when one partner retires and the other continues to toil. Retirement can magnify preexisting problems in a marriage. The decision to stop work forces you to reevaluate what you both want — and you may discover the gaps are wider than either of you thought."

This new dynamic in the relationship has been coined an “out-of-sync retirement” to describe when one spouse retires before the other.

As I look back on the past three years, I have arrived at a few key observations and acceptances for our mixed-retirement marriage. My experience with retirement so far has been paved with blunders, wonders, and lessons in patience, empathy, humility, and gratitude.

Here are a few of my main findings;

BLUNDERS

Communication is King!

While my husband squirrelled away for eight hours a day in his makeshift office in our subterranean basement, when he finally emerged, we seemed to have nothing to say to each other.

We have both taken for granted the art of conversation.

This neglect of not showing interest in each other’s lives ignited unnecessary arguments. Has our marriage always been this difficult, or has my retirement just magnified an underlying problem regarding our communication skills?

I had to relearn how to express how I was truly feeling, and use actual words instead of avoiding my husband and both of us descending into the silent treatment.

Yes, there were days when I felt very solitary, and lonely, only to discover that he, too, was feeling isolated.

We both were in transition, both acclimatizing to a new uncharted realm. But we tried active listening and noticed that the more we were honest with each other, the easier our conversations flowed.

Sensitivity saboteur!

Since being retired, I found myself increasingly emotionally charged, and easily frustrated with non-retired friends and anyone really, who reminded me how fortunate I was that I could live this languid life of Riley.

I worked very hard to get to this point, and being frugal, in addition to my careful conservative financial planning, has led me to this blessed opportunity. But echoing in their voices, I could detect a trace of jealousy and rancour that made me uncomfortable.

What’s in a title?

Though I do not miss the commute or work dramas or stress, I do miss being somebody. Without my title and paycheck, I have been questioning my self-worth and identity and realizing how much of my purpose was directly linked to my job.

In a Forbes 2021 piece How to Head Off A Post-Work Identity Crisis - Ron Carson writes;

"While we all experience different roles and identities throughout our lives - such as parents, grandparents, spouses, siblings, or social identities based on race, religion, or ethnicity - one of the most common ways we self-identify is through our occupations. Whether you’ve spent 30+ years as a teacher, farmer, small business owner or the CEO of a major corporation, coming to terms with your new identity as a retiree can be hard. In fact, for many, the lack of a clear identity in retirement can lead to feelings of depression, loneliness, and isolation. That makes it important to think about your post-work identity, well before you retire."

WONDERS

Gratitude Gratitude Gratitude!

Not a day goes by that I do not say a silent prayer that I am just so grateful for what I have, and that is–all the things that matter in life, a loving partner in crime, family and friends.

None of us can alter the past, but we can mellow and try to glean from it (I won’t say grow for at this stage in my life, I need nothing growing or getting longer, aka chin hairs, anyone)?!

I am privileged to be in this position of exploring new hobbies and second acts, including devoting myself to guilt-free self-care pursuits.

Craft your life! And not just with Michael's store merchandise!

Discover your craft, as in finding your purpose! I’m still discovering mine. I like to do a variety of things, but being passionate about one sole thing, I’m not there yet.

In the spirit of coming out from the pandemic and these last few crazy years, I am focused on just what makes me content. I don’t need to sell anyone with any false enthusiasm about how wonderful my day is.

Being real is what I'm about.

There are good days, and some when I continue to feel unmoored, unmotivated and wishing I was back in my youth with no time to ruminate over life’s conundrums.

Disengaging from technology.

The Canadian Mental Health Association highlighted the meaning of human connection, noting that - The reality is that we’re living in a time of true disconnection.

While technology seems to connect us more than ever, the screens around us disconnect us from nature, from ourselves, and from others.

Wi-Fi alone isn’t enough to fulfill our social needs–we need face-to-face interaction to thrive. Technology should be enhancing our connection to others, not replacing it.

Our inherent need for human connection doesn’t mean that every introvert must become a social butterfly. Having human connection can look different for each person. And if you’re not sure where to start in finding meaningful connection, that’s okay.

I concede that I have become too comfortable spending time on the computer, acquiring new skills but not engaging in any new authentic connections. I have had to challenge my comfort zone and seek new projects or outings that require me to leave the house.

So, what have I learned?

As my husband continues to secure his job, and I toy with reinventing myself, I understand more than ever the significance of giving each other space, while equally acknowledging the importance of coming together and sharing each other’s universe, with genuine interest and support.

My husband is uncertain when he will be ready to retire, but I tell him he will know when the time is right and not to make a haste decision. As of now, he is satisfied with working out of our home and has settled into a tempo that benefits both him and his employer.

There is an old saying, "Man Plans, and God Laughs." We can plan for retirement, and be retired but you have to be prepared for sudden detours and falling boulders.

As long as my husband and I share the road harmoniously together and move forward in the same direction with respect, and kindness, I know we'll be ok and very much in sync!

About the Author:

Wendy Reichental, B.A.,Dip. in Human Relations and Family Life Education, McGill University. Certified in Foot Reflexology, RCRT® Registered Canadian Reflexology Therapist.

Wendy enjoys capturing life’s passages in short essays and opinion pieces. Her writings have appeared in The Montreal Gazette, Ottawa’s Globe and Mail, and various online magazines. Wendy's unique take on those first days of the Pandemic lockdown is now part of the just-out anthology Chronicling the Days by Marianne Ackerman (Editor) and Linda M. Morra (Editor). Guernica Editions, Spring 2021