Ask a Retirement Coach: Our Adult Child Living With Us is Impacting My Retirement Plans

Dear Retirement Coach;

I had planned on retiring but my adult child has moved back in and is now living with us rent free. I want to support them but this is costing us more money than we had planned for. My spouse doesn't want to ask for rent or for them to move out so it's put my retirement plans on hold. Any suggestions on how to handle?

Boomerang Kids

Dear Boomerang Kids,

Thanks for reaching out and sharing your concerns. Navigating family dynamics during significant life transitions can be challenging, especially when unexpected circumstances arise. It’s not unusual for adult children to move back home, but when this impacts your financial plans—like delaying retirement—it can feel overwhelming.

Balancing your desire to support your child with the need to protect the future you’ve been planning for years can be tricky. Let’s explore some strategies to address this situation and move toward a resolution that works for everyone involved.

Understanding the Situation

Having your adult child move back home rent-free may feel like the right thing to do, but it’s clear this arrangement has financial and emotional implications. Your desire to support your child is commendable, yet your own needs and plans are equally important. Retirement is a significant life transition, and postponing it can be disheartening.

Additionally, differing views between you and your spouse can add another layer of complexity. The good news is that with open communication and a clear plan, you can work toward a solution that honors everyone's needs.

Start with Open Communication

The first step is to have honest, open discussions with both your spouse and your child.

• Talk with Your Spouse

  • Begin by expressing your feelings and concerns in a calm and non-judgmental way. Share how the current situation is impacting your plans and well-being. Instead of framing the conversation as a debate, present it as a shared effort to find a solution that works for both of you. It’s important to come to an agreement and present a united front before bringing your child into the discussion.

• Talk with Your Child

  • When speaking with your child, approach the conversation with empathy and transparency. Let them know you understand their situation and want to help, but explain how their living arrangements are affecting your financial and retirement goals. This discussion should focus on working together to create a fair and sustainable plan. Set Boundaries and Expectations Supporting your child doesn’t mean neglecting your own needs. Setting clear boundaries helps maintain balance in the household and fosters their independence.

• Establish a Time Frame Work with your child to set a realistic timeline for their stay.

  • For instance, if they’re job hunting, agree on a date by which they should begin contributing f inancially or move toward living independently.

• Discuss Financial Contributions

  • If asking for rent feels too formal, consider having them contribute to shared expenses like groceries or utilities. This approach helps your child build f inancial responsibility while easing the burden on your budget.

• Encourage Independence

  • Help your child outline actionable goals for saving money, finding employment, or addressing challenges they may be facing. Providing guidance while encouraging accountability shows that you’re invested in their growth, but not at the expense of your own future. Refocus on Your Retirement Goals Delaying retirement can feel overwhelming, so it’s essential to revisit and adjust your plans thoughtfully.

• Assess the Financial Impact

  • Take a closer look at how the current arrangement is affecting your budget and retirement savings. If the impact is significant, it’s crucial to address it sooner rather than later.

• Explore Temporary Adjustments

  • While your child is staying with you, consider finding small ways to offset the additional costs. This might mean reducing discretionary expenses, taking on a part-time project, or finding creative ways to save.

• Set a Revised Timeline

  • If retirement is delayed, create a new timeline and share it with your spouse. Discuss why it’s important to honor this updated plan and how it aligns with your long-term goals.

• Seek Outside Support if Needed

  • If navigating these conversations feels difficult, it’s okay to seek outside support:

    • A Financial Planner: They can help you evaluate your finances objectively and create a balanced approach to meet everyone’s needs.

    • A Counselor or Mediator: A neutral third party can facilitate discussions and ensure that all voices are heard, helping to ease tension.

    • A Retirement Coach: As a retirement coach, I often help families navigate situations like yours. Sometimes, an outside perspective can make a big difference in finding solutions.

Balancing Support and Self-Care

It’s possible to be both compassionate and firm. Supporting your child doesn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being or future. The retirement you’ve worked hard to plan is an important and exciting life stage, and advocating for yourself is not selfish—it’s necessary.

By setting clear boundaries, you create a healthier dynamic for everyone involved. A Path Forward This situation, while challenging, can also be an opportunity for growth—for you, your child, and your spouse. With clear communication and thoughtful planning, you can help your child take steps toward independence while preserving your retirement dreams.

If you need additional support or guidance, I’d be happy to help you work through this process. Remember, you’re not alone in facing these challenges, and solutions are always within reach.

Warm regards,

Toni

Certified Retirement Coach