Ask A Retirement Coach: My Spouse Doesn't Want to Retire at the Same Time
Dear Retirement Coach;
I always thought that my husband and I would retire together in the next couple of years. When I mentioned to him that we should really start thinking about finalizing our plans, he told me he wants to work for at least another five years. I was really disappointed as I had thought we were going to do things together in retirement and now I'm not sure what to do. Should I keep working or should I just plan to retire without him?
I would really appreciate your thoughts on this.
Beth
Beth, it’s good that this issue is now out on in the open and positioned for discussion. The fact that your husband’s response is a surprise hints to me that retirement discussions and planning, in general, have been limited and are starting rather late.
Not too late, however.
Staggered retirements are common but do call for an extra dose of planning. Compromises are bound to come into play on the part of both parties.
Try this question on for size:
What would your retirement decision be if your husband wasn’t in the picture? Are you retiring because you no longer enjoy your job? Or because it’s the cultural thing to do and what’s expected?
If you hate your job, then keep your husband’s decision out of the conversation and do what is right for your wellbeing and self-satisfaction. Regardless of his decision, if your retirement enables you to launch into something that is more purposeful and satisfying and less stressful, then take the step.
On the other hand, if you love your job and find it fulfilling, why retire? Keep working and insist on intensifying the discussion with your husband about what retirement should look like for the both of you when he hits his retirement date.
COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!
One of the biggest challenges for couples who both work is getting on the same page about their retirement plans. It’s possible that each of you may have different expectations for your retired life together. Some of these expectations can be major and call for serious two-way compromise.
Whether you retire or keep working, you and your husband should start talking now about what you want retirement life to look like together and consider “test driving” or experimenting with some activities together prior to his retirement.
He needs to know what your desires are, and you need to know his.
An important part of the preparation process is for each partner to know and honor differences in personality, values, personal drivers, and aspirations. This will lead to a retired life that balances time together with time apart to pursue diverse interests.
The retirement should not end up with a “clingy” partner.
I would caution you that if you choose to retire before he does, you may find a change in his view of your role in running the household with the expectation that his role will be reduced and yours increased.
Don’t buy it. Stick with your goals and desires and insist on a balanced role when it comes to managing the day-to-day of the household even though he may not yet be retired. In retirement, you should fill your day with activities that bring you both a feeling of purpose and fulfillment.
Wishing you and your husband the best!
Gary
Interested in more Retirement Coach advice? Be sure to check out these other articles;
Do you have any questions about the non financial aspects of retirement that you would like a Retirement Coach to answer? Send them to [email protected].
About the Author
Gary Foster is a former executive healthcare recruiter, over-70 “portfolio-career” guy, and audacious ager dedicated to helping folks in the over-50 crowd adopt a new, healthier, and more purposeful perspective on the second half of life. With national certifications as a retirement coach, résumé writer, and online presence expert plus over 18 years of career coaching and recruiting experience, he coaches, speaks, and writes publicly on the issues of mid-life career transitions, planning for purposeful retirement, and achieving better health and greater longevity. You can reach Gary through his website: Make Aging Work.
