Ask a Retirement Coach: My Husband Wants to do Everything Together But I Don't
Dear Retirement Coach;
I've been retired for a couple of years and have enjoyed doing different activities and spending time with friends. My husband just recently retired and now thinks we have to do everything together. I like doing things with him but am starting to feel a bit suffocated. How do I tell him to find some things to do on his own without hurting his feelings?
Thanks for your help.
Janet
Hi Janet. Congratulations on what appears to be a successful individual retirement.
What you described reminds me of one of the great, cool lines in cinema history: The prison Captain’s speech in the movie Cool Hand Luke standing over punished inmate Paul Newman: “What we’ve got here is failure to communicate.”
It’s a fairly common refrain: a spouse comes home full-time and expects their partner to be their on-call playmate, ignoring the other person's personal interests.
But, all is not lost.
It’s not too late to have the conversation that would have saved some tension had it taken place 2-3 year before YOUR retirement.
Let’s start by agreeing that it isn’t your responsibility to fill his day. The challenge will be convincing him in a way that doesn’t inject unnecessary friction.
I’m going to offer some suggestions borrowed and paraphrased from a great resource you might want to consider investing in. They come from an excellent book entitled “The Couple’s Retirement Puzzle: 10 Must Have Conversations for Creating and Amazing New Life Together” by Roberta Taylor and Dorian Mintzer.
It all has to start with a conversation to reach agreement that it is time for a new balance. It may not seem so to him at this early stage of his retirement, but he needs to understand that the healthiest post-retirement relationships are one’s where time is spent together and apart with an acknowledgement of individuality.
A good starting point is to discuss and agree on what you have always enjoyed most doing together.
Help him find new interests with an eye toward spending time apart.
Free up some of your time each week to spend time with him.
Go into your conversations with the awareness that the majority of men don’t “cluster”, network, or cultivate and weave webs of social relationships like women do. Discuss with him ways that he can replace the work relationships that he is stepping away from. His span of relationships beyond that is not likely to be very large. Help him build a new network of friends.
Taylor and Mintzer suggest the acronym BLAST to help guide this type of discussion:
Blaming gets in the way.
Listen without interruption.
Agree to disagree and don’t make assumptions.
Set a safe place for discussion.
Take time to talk without disruptions.
I hope that helps. Communicate, communicate, communicate. It’s not too late and hopefully you will soon be enjoying the retirement you each want - together.
Interested in more Retirement Coach advice? Be sure to check out these other articles;
Do you have any questions about the non financial aspects of retirement that you would like a Retirement Coach to answer? Send them to [email protected].
About the Author
Gary Foster is a former executive healthcare recruiter, over-70 “portfolio-career” guy, and audacious ager dedicated to helping folks in the over-50 crowd adopt a new, healthier, and more purposeful perspective on the second half of life. With national certifications as a retirement coach, résumé writer, and online presence expert plus over 18 years of career coaching and recruiting experience, he coaches, speaks, and writes publicly on the issues of mid-life career transitions, planning for purposeful retirement, and achieving better health and greater longevity. You can reach Gary through his website: Make Aging Work.
