Ask a Retirement Coach: How do I Learn How to Receive?

Dear Retirement Coach,

I’m a few years into retirement, and I’ve noticed something surprising about myself. I find it really hard to receive. I have no problem giving — my time, advice, help to family and friends. But when it comes to receiving — whether it’s someone offering to help me, inviting me to take a break, or even giving me a simple compliment — I get uncomfortable. I feel guilty or unworthy somehow. I thought retirement would be a time to relax and enjoy life, but I’m realizing that “receiving” is harder than I expected. Why is that? And how can I get better at it?

Having Trouble Receiving

Dear Having Trouble Receiving,

What a wonderful and insightful question. You've named something deeply human — and surprisingly common — in retirement: the discomfort that can arise when we shift from a lifetime of giving to moments of receiving.

In my work as a retirement lifestyle coach, I see this all the time.

Clients who have built rich, meaningful lives through service to others — as professionals, parents, caregivers, volunteers, and leaders — suddenly find themselves on unfamiliar ground when the giving slows down. Retirement opens space for rest, support, and care to flow toward us.

But instead of welcoming those gifts with open arms, many people feel uneasy. Even guilty.

Let’s start with this: for many of us, giving wasn’t just something we did — it became who we are .

We spent decades solving problems, nurturing others, leading teams, and showing up in countless ways. It’s how we found meaning, contributed value, and earned respect.

Over time, we internalized a powerful belief: “My worth is tied to my usefulness.” So when retirement invites us to slow down, step back, or let others take the lead, it can feel disorienting — even threatening to our sense of identity.

Why Receiving Can Feel So Uncomfortable

If you’ve been a “doer” your whole life, receiving might stir up emotions you weren’t expecting. Here are a few reasons why this happens:

Self-worth tied to productivity: You may believe — consciously or not — that being helpful, capable, and needed is what makes you valuable. So when you’re no longer the one giving, it can trigger a sense of inadequacy or loss.

Fear of vulnerability: To receive — whether it’s a compliment, help with a task, or simply a moment of rest — means allowing others to see your needs. That can feel uncomfortably exposed, especially if you’ve always been the strong one.

Cultural or family conditioning: Many of us were raised with messages like ” “Stand on your own two feet,” or “Always give more than you take.” These deeply ingrained beliefs can make receiving feel selfish or weak.

Loss of role identity: When we retire, the titles and roles that once defined us — manager, provider, caregiver — begin to fade. Receiving asks us to connect with a part of ourselves beyond achievement. That new version of self may feel unfamiliar at first.

Why This Shift Matters in Retirement

Learning to receive is not a sign of weakness. It’s an essential part of a balanced, fulfilling life — especially in retirement, when the pace slows and there’s room to cultivate deeper forms of connection.

When you learn to receive: You deepen your relationships. Allowing others to support or care for you creates space for intimacy and reciprocity. It’s not one-sided anymore — it's mutual, and that builds stronger bonds. You nurture your well-being. Receiving help, rest, and kindness allows your body and mind to recharge. This is what makes sustainable living — and giving — possible. You create room for joy.

Life is full of small gifts: a warm meal made by someone else, a friend’s compliment, a sunny morning with nothing to do. When you allow yourself to receive these moments, you invite more joy into your life. You model healthy balance. By embracing both giving and receiving, you show others — including your children, friends, and peers — what healthy interdependence looks like.

Gentle Coaching Practices to Build Receiving Muscles

So how do you begin to receive more fully — and more freely — in this new chapter of life?

Here are a few simple but powerful practices I often share with clients:

Start small — and pay attention.

Notice your reactions when someone offers you a compliment or help. Do you deflect? Minimize? Brush it off? Try pausing, breathing, and simply saying, “Thank you.”

Accept without apology.

When someone extends kindness, resist the urge to say, “You didn’t have to,” or “I’m fine.” Practice receiving graciously, without explaining or minimizing the gesture.

Reframe receiving as generosity.

Let others give to you — not just for your sake, but for theirs. Allowing someone to care for you is a gift to them too. It deepens connection and gives them purpose.

Redefine rest as receiving.

Rest, leisure, and enjoyment are not luxuries. They are legitimate — and necessary — forms of nourishment. Give yourself permission to enjoy them without guilt.

Uncover the deeper story.

If receiving still feels hard, consider what messages you’ve absorbed over the years about independence, self-worth, or deservingness. Sometimes the work is less about behavior — and more about rewriting those inner narratives.

Having Trouble Receiving, the fact that you’re noticing this pattern and questioning it is meaningful. Awareness opens the door to change — and to a deeper kind of growth.

Many of the people I work with are surprised to learn that receiving isn’t a passive act — it’s a courageous one. It takes trust. It takes openness. And it often asks us to step outside of who we’ve always been, to become something fuller and more whole.

You’ve spent a lifetime showing up for others. Now, this chapter is gently inviting you to let others show up for you, too. Not because you’ve stopped giving, but because you’re allowing space for something more balanced, more reciprocal, and more nourishing.

Receiving isn’t about taking. It’s about allowing yourself to be supported, seen, and cared for — not just for what you do , but for who you are.

So take your time. Be kind with yourself. And when those small, beautiful offerings come your way — a helping hand, a warm gesture, an unexpected kindness — see if you can simply let them in.

You’ve more than earned it.

Warm regards,

Toni Petrillo

Retirement Lifestyle Consultant

Founder, Retire With Intention

Do you have any questions that you would like to ask Retirement Coach Toni? Just send them in an e-mail to [email protected].

Interested in seeing all of Retirement Coach Toni's Advice? Click here